Coming Full Circle

I've read back over my previous post and I see I'm putting a lot of emphasis on the negative impacts.  While I don't want to shy away from the negatives, I want to show the positive as well.  I've gained a lot from nursing and from each and every person I've had to privilage of caring for; however, I think in order for others to understand exactly what those of us who do this job take away from it you have to ask, "why did you choose this career?"

I began asking some coworkers and other friends in the field.  Suprisingly, 12 of the 15 I asked gave similar answers.  They had lost someone they cared about.  I personally had many reasons for choosing this path (my mother's a nurse, I love knowing I made a difference...blah blah blah) but the main reason, the one that keeps me going back is the same I heard from so many of those I asked.  I was 21 when I recieved the phone call informing me my 39 year old father had lost the battle.  He died in 2009 from non-diabetic kidney failure, leaving behind three children.  Two of which were still in high school and depending on him as their only parent. 

Now this wasn't a sudden death, but it was a suprise.  He had been ill for a few years at this point.  In and out of the hospital, dialysis two then three times a week, special diets, countless drugs, tests, and procedures. It all became a normal part of our life.  It was his routine.  The fluid would build up, he would go to the hospital for a few days, feel "all better" and go home.  Then repeat the process two or three months later.  At first the dialysis slowed the cycle but in the end kidney failure leads to heart failure and no matter how strong your spirits you can't beat nature.  I watched him taking in every minute I could as this horrible, painful process continued.  One of the things I noticed was my father's mood.  Whether it was his dialysis nurses or the nurses in the hospital during one of his many stays, his mood fluctuated depending on who his caregivers were that day.

I knew through phone calls accross the country who his favorites were and who he despised.  I could hear in his voice whether today was a good day or bad day.  During the last four years of my father's life I had been serving overseas for two of them.  My father wasn't married and my siblings were busy with their high school lives (my father insisted they try to live normally, regardless of his condition); it was the caregivers by his side more than anyone else.  It amazed me.  These people, who were just doing their jobs, had such an influence on my father.

Standing at the graveside on my 22nd birthday, watching as they lowered the casket into the ground, I realized life really is short and you have to make it mean something.  Shortly after returning from Texas I started nursing school.  I feared the moment I would be assigned a dialysis patient.  I am very self aware.  I know what I am capable of as well as what my limits are.  Taking care of a patient dealing with that horrible condition was not something I could EVER do. 

Then it came.  I was assigned a man in stage 3 renal failure; he had just had surgery placing the dialysis shunt (the port under the skin that the dialysis machine hooks up to).  It was challenging not to burst into tears everytime I walked into the room, but I did it.  After he was discharged I recieved a letter from his daughter.  She thanked me for my compassion and empathy and told me her father had compared every nurse he's had since then to me - TO ME! It was the most humbling yet amazing feeling I've ever had.  It was like everything had come full circle.  I couldn't do anything to make my father live longer, but I could honor him and his struggle by providing the best care possible to those who need it. 

I know I emphasize the negative impacts but no matter how much negative there is, it will NEVER out weigh the positives I get from what I do.  I have days where I am tired and just know I can't go on. I have nights I want to crawl under a rock and bawl.  I get angry with God for taking those from their families.  I have shifts that make me swear I am going to quit but no matter what, I wake up the next day smiling, excited to go back.